Please edit my rough draft of my poem?

A Sense of Summer





A pleasantly warm day,


Feel the hot sand, soft between your toes.


Taste the freshly made lemonade,


Total freedom,


Stately summer.





Comprised of endless hours sitting by the pool,


Children running around rampantly.


Hear the sound of the calming ocean waves,


Lapping on the shore,


Whoosh.





Smell the freshly mowed lawns,


The smoky charcoal grills.


See the tropical flowers,


The smiles all around,


Summer, the pinnacle of happiness.





Okay, this is my poem i had to write for school.Any last minute corrections/ suggestions to make it better?

Please edit my rough draft of my poem?
I think you should keep the periods where you have them, each stanza doesn't need to comprise of only one sentence.





Try to avoid words like 'pleasantly' and 'calming'. They're abstract as they don't really have a set meaning - they can mean different things to different people. You need to try to create that mood with words that have a more universal meaning. You could just about take them out completely without replacing them and it would be fine. It's sort of the same thing with lines like "stately summer" and "summer, the pinnacle of happiness" - by using those phrases it's almost like you're cheating, because you're telling us what impression you want us to get about what you are describing. The truth is, you don't really need to use cheats like that because you do a good job of creating that mood. It might take a lot of effort but if you're really interested in making it the best you can, you might want to come up with some other ways of describing the smell of the lawns and the charcoal grills - use similes or metaphors and create some comparisons we've never heard before. Sometimes the best way to come up with things like that is to just not think about them anymore, which is a pain but you often end up coming up with something when you least expect.





It's a really good draft though, you've created a nice atmosphere.